My apprehension to process my feelings via blog post had to end sometime, I guess that time is now; queue: personal post!
(aka move on if you don’t feel like toiling over my personal angst with me today.)
I had an interesting conversation with my brother the other day. We were playing catch up and we talk about everything. I apprehensively was telling him about how I found myself involved with a person I had previously denounced as a viable suitor. He asked me, “Do you actually like him or is this just a union out of convenience?” A simple yet daunting question, he was asking me to admit aloud, to him, that it was possible I had feelings for this person because if I didn’t then “I should move on and stop being such a scum bag.” Hmmph.
I didn’t feel like a scum bag though and he started, in my mind, the long and arduous process of toiling over what exactly I was doing. Up until that point I hadn’t given it much thought, I was simply doing what I was doing on auto-pilot mode, perhaps as a means of avoiding assessing what I was REALLY doing to myself; hurdling towards disaster. I won’t discredit this guy, he CAN be great, I’ve seen it before and I am sure I will see it again, it’s just that’s not him right now. As a former member of the discard bin/ scorned lovers of America I get it, I really do. That’s why it’s more a *me* thing at this point. Right? Right.
What is the point of hanging yourself up on a person if you can’t bring yourself most of the time to admit you’re even involved with them? The idea of developing ~actual~ feelings for them makes you want to hurl yourself into a volcano because that’s about as healthy and constructive of an activity.
So, much in the way I do everything, I’ve started the decompression process. Where, when you are with them, you don’t overlook their flaws. In fact you relish those little bits of gold you can point to in order to tell yourself their penis is now null and void. They are now primed and ready to be pushed into the “friend zone of no return” because you tried that once and didn’t succeed so maybe adding the “no return” part will make this process fair better, no? It should.
I came to the realization that this was necessary after I got too perked this weekend and did a survey on whether I was a more worthy woman vs some ratchet girl, I knew the answer, I asked anyway. Even after he got ditched by her I wasn’t entirely satisfied and I set my sights on an unsuspecting stranger, whom I ended up kissing. Why? because ~*~emo~*~ girls like to prove their worth.
Now that I am safely tucked into the decompression chamber in my head, I realize I just need to change me and the way I let things affect me. Let’s face it: I am not as casual about sexual relationships as other people in my age group are. People gross me out on a very real and basic level. I like companionship, snuggling, conversation, hating the rest of the world as a united front. If I really delve into what the “problem” here is, it’s that I let myself become involved with a person who is textbook hypocritical. I’ve deduced it comes from two things clashing simultaneously: fear of being alone/ not praised & fear of committing to someone because they *might* break your heart.
When someone starts giving you weird vibes and proceeds to say that they shut off emotionally when they start to feel too much for someone, take the hint and run with it. It’s time I got my emotions in check and take this for what it’s worth. Even as I feel I am coming to an end with this brain drain you text me, further solidifying my point, making it clear this is what needs to happen.